I am turning into a bit of a sleuth/scientist. So much so that I reckon I could give Sherlock Holmes and Marie Curie a run for their money.
No longer able to read a single paragraph of a blog, book or report without double checking and cross referencing everything. I have taken my investigations even further. I experiment on myself where possible to see if the evidence presented is true.
Dappy DNA v Genius DNA
Most recently I have been pondering my theory that I have some ‘Dappy DNA’ in my system. Proof of this theory is:
- Walking into a room and wondering why on earth I walked in there
- Staring at someone whose name I’ve just said and then call them honey pumpkin because I can’t remember their name
- Frantically hunting for glasses, which are located on my head.
After more deliberation I have tweaked my hypothesis. I have ‘Genius DNA’ instead. My thesis is:
- There are many thoughts in my head, each vitally and earth shatteringly important
- They all are fighting to be expressed
- Too many thoughts causes overcrowding of the cerebrum (cerebrum = one of the squidgy parts in the brain that does stuff).
- Ergo (only a genius would use ‘Ergo’) the mundane and little insignificant thoughts get squashed out. They fall out of the head, in a similar process to the way gas falls out of your bum when you least expect it.
Joining an Eskimo community
Investigating ‘The anatomy of thought seepage’ as I have coined it, has led me to a podcast about Alzheimer’s Disease. The statistics scared the living daylights out of me. Alzheimer’s is the number one disease in the UK.
My special Genius DNA, makes me think I could find a solution to this potential problem. However, despite my research, my partner put a stop to my imminent plans to move away from the UK and dodge the statistic of developing Alzheimer’s. His feeble excuse was that moving to either rural India or joining an Eskimo community wasn’t conducive to his career and life plans. I was left with no option but to explore other avenues of not succumbing to the potential threat of Alzheimer’s.
Paleo v Vegan
I bought a book instead. A 30day plan to reduce the development of Alzheimer’s. It gave a list of dos and don’ts. It is a “do eat blueberries, don’t eat meat” type of book, but doesn’t describe itself as a ‘diet book’.
The last time I bought a similar ‘non diet book’, was when I was worried about heart disease and diabetes. I followed the Paleo diet. “Do eat meat, go easy on the blueberries”. My other half, who due to his carnivorous dosha has been nicknamed ‘the beast of prey’, was in heaven. He ignored the veggies on the plate, regarding them as mere garnish and chomped his way through entire herds. Breakfast was mini hamburgers, lunch was chicken and dinner was steak. Eventually, I found it got a little boring and succumbed to pizza, wine and chocolate as a staple meal instead.
The Bean Challenge
With the arrival of my new book came a whole new set of ingredients. The one thing that all these systems have in common is the cook from scratch factor, nothing processed and everything as natural as possible. I am half expecting to find a chapter on ‘how best to milk a goat and the art of udder tugging’ as they demand only the freshest produce. I have spent hours shop hopping for unpronounceable ingredients and even longer cooking dishes which the book claims takes only 20 minutes. 20 minutes my foot. Most things need to be soaked in asp’s milk for 40 days and 40 nights. By the time I have finished the grand preparations, everything looks and tastes the same.
Can anyone really taste the difference between butter beans, kidney beans, pinto beans, haricot beans, mung beans and cannellini beans? I will give you my posh yoga mat if you can do the Pepsi challenge with beans.
I really don’t want to be infantile, but ‘Beans, beans are good for your heart. The more eat the more you-‘ I mean, why would a yoga teacher (of all people) choose a diet high in nitrogen producing gas? Now we are finally back in the studios, I have the fear of sending everyone back onto Zoom as I walk about with a potbelly the size of a gallon of garbanzo beans. Thank goodness for social distancing and the need for ventilation is all I can say. I am on week 3 of what in essence is a vegan diet and for 3 weeks I have avoided happy baby pose, plough pose and wind relieving pose (obvs!)
I have discovered: I don’t like tofu, whether in its slime form or rubber form. Quinoa is very versatile, but always tastes of cardboard. Sesame seeds sprinkled over food is pointless other than to make it look pretty. But it is still a dinner of rubber with hint of cardboard and pretty seeds on top. And only yesterday after nearly throwing up from my ‘3 bean and pea mush quinoa bowl’, I was told by a friend that nutritional yeast is not the same as normal yeast. How am I meant to know that? I just thought it was a little more ‘good for you yeast’.
Sleuthing and sleeping
My book isn’t just about food. It tells me I need to ‘exercise, sleep properly, have a purpose/passion in life and a community’. As I experiment with this new way of life, and in keeping with my sleuthing skills, I am double checking the science and facts. I want ‘the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth’.
The next topic on the list dear Watson is sleep and I am becoming a bit of a sleep expert. Not because I am sleeping so much, quite the opposite. All of this healthy lifestyle is incredibly time consuming. I get up earlier and earlier to fit it all in. (Besides udders and teats yield more milk at the crack of dawn). Instead, my aim is to maximise the quality of sleep I get. I read that if you tape your mouth shut and breath exclusively through the nose, you get a deeper sleep and there for better rest in less time.
Being a Guinea Pig
My experimentation began in week one. Having pre-prepared the necessary equipment I went to bed. I waited for complete darkness and until I heard my partner snoring. I hunted for the duct tape I had hidden under my pillow. It is best he doesn’t know what I was planning, as I think he is on the verge of leaving me for a meat eating, sweet smelling Eskimo. But the sound of me struggling to tear off a strip of duct tape made him turn on the lights and ask what exactly did I have in mind. (To be honest, his phrasing was a little more like ‘what the @~#* are you doing?’) I am not sure whether it was relief or disappointment that crossed his face as I explained I wanted to tape my mouth shut, so I could produce more nitric oxide and have less wrinkles in the morning. He turned the light off and went back to sleep.
As every great scientist will tell you, especially ones with Genius DNA, the early experiments are just that, early experiments. I can report that duct tape placed over the mouth during an 8 hour period does stop mouth breathing. It also removes the moustache hair and the first layer of skin, exposing the next layer which is indeed younger and smoother.
Further experimentation
Since this initial experiment, I have bought special sleep tape and now attach a small Hitler moustache type strip which keeps my lips closed at night. I do feel more rested and have noticed the wrinkles around my eyes have reduced. Though whether this is because of the production of the nitric oxide or the production of nitrogen from my bean feasts, I am yet to discover.
My next experiment is based on a blog which suggested electric shocks might make you happier. I am currently in the process of dismantling and adapting the toaster and will report of my findings. It seems that this morning a new report has been published which stated that dairy is good for reducing heart disease. It looks as though I may have to read that chapter on udders after all.
